Thelinds411’s brain activity up to this point…

Haha, kinda reminds me of a song by Celine Dion…annnyyways. Ok, so I have ten more days until I’m REALLY for real an adult. No, I don’t mean turning 18. I’ve already done that, two years ago and change. No, I mean moving out. I won’t be considered a dependent anymore by my parents. So they can’t write me off on their tax forms haha.

I’m moving to North Carolina in ten days. I’m moving into our old house up there, and my parents are being gracious enough not to charge me rent, just making me pay for whatever utilities I use. So I have to take into account gas, insurance (both of those things I already pay for by myself) for my car, groceries, health insurance, utilities, cell phone, and internet (if I ever get that). Plus I’m going to have to be putting a little bit of money away every month trying to save up so Bryan and I can get married, plus, unlike Florida, the cost of living goes up in the winter in NC. Why? Because of propane. If you want to be warm, you gotta have heat and propane isn’t used too much in the summer time up there, so it hardly ever has to get filled up. But it costs about $300 to fill it. So that’ll be a huge gut punch every time I have to do that. So thankfully, my Dad is a very conservative person, and over the span of my life he has taught me little things like shutting off lights when you leave the room. Turn the AC off when you leave the house. If you can, keep the air off and just use a fan. So yeah, I feel prepared. As prepared as a green 20 year old can feel about living completely on her own, I guess. But I’m excited about it. Especially since I know it’s one huge step closer to Bryan and I being a married couple. yay!

Ok, well be praying for me please as I make this step in mine, and Bryan’s life.

Keep the Son in your eyes…like I’m trying to do myself

I’m not a very “fearful” person. I know what the Bible says about fear and how it has no place in our lives because we are saved thru Christ’s sacrifice for us, but being alone was always a huge fear. Not just physically, which definitely was a fear, but emotionally, spiritually…my relationships mostly. Feeling isolated and misunderstood. Feeling like my friends and family didn’t accept me or care. But that last one has never really been recognized, my friends and family have never left me so far and I doubt they’d start now, but I digress.

The fear of being physically alone was certainly a fear in my life though, but one that I didn’t tell too many people about. For someone who liked being by herself, it’d be kind of silly to admit that I only liked being alone, when I knew other people were close by, people I knew. But then came the news that my family was going on vacation to our old house in North Carolina, but I couldn’t go because I had already promised to work a few days for a fellow coworker. I was really excited at first. I mean, come on, for a twenty year old girl who had never spent more than 24 hours away from ANYONE, this was a great opportunity to have a shot at freedom. Complete freedom. Not being alone in a dorm room with hundreds of people nearby and rules galore, but freedom as in being in a house by myself and being entirely responsible for my own safety and wellbeing. Needless to say, the fear was there, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be afraid at first. As the weeks leading up to my family leaving wore on, the fear came creeping in. To my boyfriend suggesting I sleep with a knife by my bed, and then realizing that the friends that I’d invited to stay couldn’t come, then realizing that even my boyfriend and his family (who also live in NC) were going to be out of town also and harder to reach than normal…then, the night before my family left came. I was balling uncontrollably. I partially blamed it on lots of new things going on in my life. I had just gotten a new job and finished my training that day, which proved semi overwhelming, information wise. Plus knowing that all my family members in the surrounding area were going to be gone (cept my aunt and uncle, but I knew I didn’t want to spend too much time with them, as much as I love them, I’d rather be by myself I think), made me anxious. My stomach was churning and my tear ducts were leaking uncontrollably. Deep down I knew that nothing would happen and everything would be fine and I’d probably end up enjoying myself, but at that moment, my nerves were just on edge and my emotions were too frayed to be able to grasp hold of those logical thoughts and cling to them. I ended up asking my dad to leave me a gun. So he showed me how to handle the safety on one of his rifles and left me a box full of shells, to which I proceeded to put both by my bed in case of an emergency. The morning they left, I went back to bed nearly shivering with fear. It took me nearly twenty minutes to fall asleep again and when I woke up I was so unhappy. I didn’t want to be by myself. I wanted them here. But I finally decided not to let this stop me from having an enjoyable week, since I had finally managed to get two of my friends from NC to get a plane ticket down on Wednesday (today, my family left Saturday morning). I knew I could make it ’til then and I was going to do everything in my power to be positive and try and have fun.

I kept myself busy cleaning during the day, and with a little bit of entertaining myself like watching tv, movies, eating pizza, stuff like that. But at night, I was afraid I would have trouble sleeping due to a past experience I’d had when my parents were out of town and I was left with my two younger siblings in the house. I’d been terrified and lost about an hour’s sleep because once awakened in fear, I had a really hard time going back to sleep. So I took a long, hot bath, drank some tea with chamomile and lavender to help me sleep, wrote in my journal to get my brain cleared of all thoughts, and then prayed before I actually shut the lights off to get in touch with my Lord before I finally went to sleep so I could ask for peace.  Needless to say, it worked! I slept. And I slept pretty good despite the fear I’d had before I went to sleep. The next night, the same thing, except the fear was less. Until last night where I wasn’t afraid at all.

So, basically, long story short, I’m not afraid of being alone anymore. I’ve gotten over my fears Praise the Lord!

My Papa died two weeks ago. I was really close to him, and so the news of him dying hit me really hard. The thing is, I knew he was dying, it didn’t come as a shock to me, or anything like that; but it did hurt me deeply in my faith.

I was halfway through my sophomore year in college when I felt God telling me to go home for the spring semester. Without knowing exactly why, I did. Soon after I came home, I realized why God wanted me there, to be with Papa with what could be his last few months, and to minister to Nana since she was lonely during Papa’s extended illness. I would go up there by myself at least once a week and just hang out with them, more than that if my family all went up together. But it was nice to have that time because then when he took a turn for the worst, he was still conscious enough to talk some, and to mostly listen to everything I needed to tell him before he died.

I have no regrets. The only reason his death hurt my faith is because I had believed that God was going to work a miracle. I mean, I wasn’t so naive in my faith as to believe that God always heals those people who are sick here on earth. I knew that sometimes God waited to heal them until they got to heaven. I KNEW that. But somewhere deep inside, I still wanted him healed here. I wanted him to meet Bryan. I wanted him to live a full life again. I wanted him to be at my wedding. To be there to see his great grandchildren be born and grow up. But now I’m never going to have those things, and that’s why it hurt. I kept hearing all these stories about people getting healed of cancer, right and left. People who’d been Christians their whole lives and other people who’d known God for only a few days and lived lives much worse than my Papa had. So I kept thinking, “Why not him?”

I love my Papa dearly still. And it’s only been two weeks since his death, and yes, it’s getting easier. I did break down the other day when Bryan was here visiting, but that was the first time I’d cried since his funeral last Monday. I HAVE let it go though. Realizing that God is God and He has a reason for everything. That my Papa is healed and would not want to come back to earth now, even if we begged him. He’s happy. That gives me hope. My love of God is still strong, and now I just can’t wait to get to heaven myself. Hopefully I can still get married, and have children, and love Bryan for the rest of my life, in addition to doing all the other things I want to do, but meanwhile, I’ve got the hope that I’ll see Papa again, and live in the light of my Beloved Savior, who in His great mercy, saved my Papa, saved my parents, and saved me. It’ll be a great reunion. Two weeks, and counting…

So, since it’s been so long since i’ve written here, i cant remember if i’ve ever talked about my self confidence issues, but yeah, here they are. When I was about ten, that was the first time I realized that I was not what guys would want. My best friend told me that I was fat, which was completely untrue, but I was too young and uneducated to know any better. I was only ten, and quite thin for my age. Because I was tall. I had more of a “stomach” than she did, but still nothing. Then when I got a few years older, both my mom and my brother told me I was getting to heavy. At 13 and 5′5, I weighed about 110 probably. MAYBE 115. But I believed them and those three people who didnt mean anything bad by it, scarred me. Later when I was about 15 or so, I became so self conscious about the way I looked that I couldnt eat around guys and it made me feel really weird to be around them, because all the guys my age and older either went for my two close friends, and ignored me, or used me to get to them. It was pretty sad, but it got worse, because around that age, maybe 16, a guy friend of mine made a comment about what i was eating and that confirmed my belief that i was in fact overweight. I knew it and nothing anyone could, or did, say could possibly change my mind. I was so hurt just looking in the mirror. It wasnt until this year that I finally began to be comfortable with my body, now that i’m 150-ish and still 5′7″ . yeah i’m actually now a tad bit overweight for my height, but in addition to finally knowing who I am in Christ, at least in that respect, but my boyfriend has played a huge role in this. Every day he tells me that he loves me and how beautiful i am, how he loves my shape and how I weigh and everything.

One of the “points” i wanna make here though, is that i’ve always struggled comparing myself to two particular people in my life, body wise anyhow…my friend jessica, who is the one who accused me of being overweight when i was ten, and my cousin ashley. it used to be that everytime i saw her (ash) i would instantly compare my body to hers. she’s a beautiful tiny ballerina who is almost my height, but much much slimmer, she weighs like 120 without an ounce of fat on her anywhere. and i used to spend hours in the mirror before i would go see her, like fixing myself and my clothes to look as good as her and then when i’d see her, i’d realize i’m nowhere near her in looks. and i would come home despondent and discouraged. but now, i see her, and although i still wish my body looked CLOSER to that than it does, i still am happy looking the way i do, because of one phrase my boyfriend told me, that i would have a happy marriage, and she didnt have the combination of personality, spirituality, and looks that i do. not that i’m bragging, by any means…trust me. i’m not. but i was judging her on the outside, instead of looking at her character. her character is not exactly one that i’d want to mimick. but i wasnt looking at that. and i wasnt appreciating who God made me instead, i coveted hers and jess’ bodies. now, i’m proud of who i am, what i look like, because i know i’m loved exactly the way i am. and that if right now, i stayed at the weight i am or gained more weight bryan would still love me. but if ash’s boyfriend or jess’ boyfriend ever saw them gain weight, would they still love them equally? i dont know. but that really isnt my call. and it isnt any of my business. my business is loving who i am simply because God made me this way, and He loves me this way. so yeah. thats what i have to say

Well of course He does! He created me, i mean, hello, enough said Just kidding. But no really, I typically like to read the psalms, but today i flipped back to Job instead, and i found the funniest thing I’ve ever read. God is talking to Job and He says, “Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!” Now this might not sound that funny to you, but basically prior to this verse, God has been asking Job, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations? (38:4)….Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? (38:16)” So i find it quite hilarious that God is obviously telling Job, ”Look, Job, you think you know so much? Try me now. You’re not as awesome or as smart as you think you are. Just hush, and let me be God, ok?”

Even as seemingly funny/rude as this sounds coming from God, I find it oddly comforting. Why? Because even in my stupidity of taking everything in my life upon myself to deal with, God has still “given orders to the morning, and shown the dawn its place…” (vs12). He’s got everything in control, and no matter how huge I feel my problems are, He’s bigger. He measured the earth with His hands for crying out loud. The fact that I don’t know what my future holds, is really no big deal in comparison. 

So my advice, to you and to me, stop worrying. It’s pointless. Let God be God. Delight and submit and be quiet. Haha.  and i mean that as nicely as possible.  

Sounds like two kind of weird and sort of opposite things don’t they? But for those of us who know anything about the Psalms, they are some pretty neat words. And they also happen to come from one of my FAVORITE passages of scripture.

Like most people, I’m sure, I tend to get really caught up in myself. How I feel, what I want, what I’m doing, how all of this will affect me. And it’s disgusting. I know. I know God hates it. I always get worried about stuff that’s out of my control, instead of trusting God. But it’s not simply about being woried that’s the problem, but worry reflects something deeper. Worry reflects pride. God has told me already that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that all of my needs are met, and that He has a plan for me. So by me worrying, it’s saying that I’m too much for God to handle. That He couldn’t possibly take care of me, because I’m too much for Him. Which is basically a slap in God’s face. Not a good thing by the way.

So my favorite verse, which God showed me about 4 years ago, is Psalm 37:3-7, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

I love this verse because it always comes to me when I need to make a decision about something. Especially a big one. My family is still unsure if we’ll be moving or not, and I know that I want to get married eventually, so my brain gets all stuffed up with “What about me?!” that I can’t even think straight. So I take this verse, and I say, “It’s not about me. God is handling it. Delight yourself in Him.” Which basically means to find your identity in Him, and love Him with your whole heart, leaving nothing out. “Commit your ways to Him, Lindsay, and He will never let you down.” If I give all of me to Him, my future, my plans, my dreams, my family, friends, relationships, everything…He is big enough to take care of it better than I ever could. If I start focusing more on all of that stuff, I do exactly what Jesus said not to do in Matthew 6:19-21, storing up my treasures on earth. Even relationships could be considered earthly treasures. If you put more stock in you, your stuff, and those you love, than in God, you will be one unhappy human being. So basically, my advice….learn from my selfishness and mistakes. Give God your all, every day, every moment, and He will never let you down.

ok so i’m running on like five hours sleep. anyone that knows me well knows that i dont function well at all on less than seven or eight. haha. i woke up at 5:30 to the sound of my dad’s cell phone going off and one of the guys at the office calling in saying he couldnt make it in to work this morning, so dad came in at 6:30 and woke me up to tell me to hop in the shower to go to work. but hey, i i got free pizza for lunch out of the deal. so its all good.

i was pretty excited tho, because i talked to my AWESOME friend nikki for two hours. it was so good to hear her voice again. i cant wait to see her. it hurts me to hear her too tho, because i know that she is so lonely. and it makes me question if i made the right choice in coming home. if i hadnt, i would be rooming with her and she wouldn’t be lonely. but then thats me not living for God, thats me living for man..er woman. i feel like its good for her to be alone during this time, because God’s really been weeding alot out of her, what i cant say, because its not my story to tell. but yeah. she’s doing good. we are definitely what you would call unlikely friends. besides believing in God, we dont really agree on much. i’m a republican, she’s a democrat. she’s REALLY liberal, and i’m REALLY conservative. i’m like unexperienced with things of this world, and she is experienced. i’m tall and brunette with light eyes, she’s short and blonde with brown eyes. we both have boyfriends…that look nothing alike. as a matter of fact, i’m taller than her bf by an inch. haha.

but she has taught me one TREMENDOUS lesson. to love unconditionally. her and my friend tiffany. even though i dont always agree with them, and they dont agree with me, we still love each other. we dont let stuff get in the way of our relationship. we forgive easily and love much. its not perfect by any means, we’ve had our spats. but we dont let that change our love for one another. she’s just awesome. and she’s shown me so much of God’s love, and helped me learn how to love others the same way. in my opinion she’s easy to love, other people…eh not so much. but i’m working on that. God’s been dealing with me big time about my judgmental nature. i’m working on REgaining my compassionate nature. i used to be alot better about that sorta thing than i am now. but its never too late to “come back to the light”.

this really isnt much of a blog today…but thats really all i had to say. i’m exhausted from no sleep, the hannah montana movie/concert and the babysitting and work. haha. so thats it. thats my weekend and my monday. may God bless you and keep you, and may He give you His peace.