So, since it’s been so long since i’ve written here, i cant remember if i’ve ever talked about my self confidence issues, but yeah, here they are. When I was about ten, that was the first time I realized that I was not what guys would want. My best friend told me that I was fat, which was completely untrue, but I was too young and uneducated to know any better. I was only ten, and quite thin for my age. Because I was tall. I had more of a “stomach” than she did, but still nothing. Then when I got a few years older, both my mom and my brother told me I was getting to heavy. At 13 and 5′5, I weighed about 110 probably. MAYBE 115. But I believed them and those three people who didnt mean anything bad by it, scarred me. Later when I was about 15 or so, I became so self conscious about the way I looked that I couldnt eat around guys and it made me feel really weird to be around them, because all the guys my age and older either went for my two close friends, and ignored me, or used me to get to them. It was pretty sad, but it got worse, because around that age, maybe 16, a guy friend of mine made a comment about what i was eating and that confirmed my belief that i was in fact overweight. I knew it and nothing anyone could, or did, say could possibly change my mind. I was so hurt just looking in the mirror. It wasnt until this year that I finally began to be comfortable with my body, now that i’m 150-ish and still 5′7″ . yeah i’m actually now a tad bit overweight for my height, but in addition to finally knowing who I am in Christ, at least in that respect, but my boyfriend has played a huge role in this. Every day he tells me that he loves me and how beautiful i am, how he loves my shape and how I weigh and everything.

One of the “points” i wanna make here though, is that i’ve always struggled comparing myself to two particular people in my life, body wise anyhow…my friend jessica, who is the one who accused me of being overweight when i was ten, and my cousin ashley. it used to be that everytime i saw her (ash) i would instantly compare my body to hers. she’s a beautiful tiny ballerina who is almost my height, but much much slimmer, she weighs like 120 without an ounce of fat on her anywhere. and i used to spend hours in the mirror before i would go see her, like fixing myself and my clothes to look as good as her and then when i’d see her, i’d realize i’m nowhere near her in looks. and i would come home despondent and discouraged. but now, i see her, and although i still wish my body looked CLOSER to that than it does, i still am happy looking the way i do, because of one phrase my boyfriend told me, that i would have a happy marriage, and she didnt have the combination of personality, spirituality, and looks that i do. not that i’m bragging, by any means…trust me. i’m not. but i was judging her on the outside, instead of looking at her character. her character is not exactly one that i’d want to mimick. but i wasnt looking at that. and i wasnt appreciating who God made me instead, i coveted hers and jess’ bodies. now, i’m proud of who i am, what i look like, because i know i’m loved exactly the way i am. and that if right now, i stayed at the weight i am or gained more weight bryan would still love me. but if ash’s boyfriend or jess’ boyfriend ever saw them gain weight, would they still love them equally? i dont know. but that really isnt my call. and it isnt any of my business. my business is loving who i am simply because God made me this way, and He loves me this way. so yeah. thats what i have to say