I’m a weird kid. I’ve decided that I really like Shakespeare (when i understand it). The format of it, the way they speak, the topics, they help me think. Make me feel smarter. More educated. Wiser. Quieter and more thoughtful.

I was talking to my fiance (yes he’s finally my fiance now) about how I don’t talk enough, and that when I do talk, I haven’t usually thought it through well enough to be understood. So I decided i’m going to start writing out my thoughts a little more. I might not blog everyday, but then again I might. Just to get the creative brain juices flowing. I need to be praying more also. I keep so much bottled inside that when it finally comes out, it’s more like an erupting volcano than a young woman expressing her views, opinions, thoughts, hurts, or feelings on any given matter.

i’m currently dealing with a great burden of bitterness. bitterness sucks…lemme tell you. the Bible says that the root of bitterness will strangle your heart. and I’m now thinking “no kidding! no wonder i’ve felt so repressed, depressed, tired, irritable. there’s no heart there that holds any compassion, love or humility anymore.” it’s become all about me. All about how people have hurt me. How I cant trust anyone really. how i can’t be myself. how people don’t accept me for who I really am. but who am I really? a bitter woman. ew. Lord God…help me. Give me a heart of flesh instead of stone. turn the waters that flow from me to a sweet spring instead of a bitter river. let me seek to put others first instead of myself. when stabbed in the back, put down, rejected…remind me of how all those things happened to you, and you responded with “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”. Rather than with my response of, “how dare you treat me that way!!? I’ll have nothing more to do with you until you repent”. forgive me for my arrogance and mistrust. not only of others, but of you.

i want nothing more to do with this disgusting heart of stone. its repulsive. i know you hate it even more than I do. give me strength to see people through your eyes instead of my own. what right do i have to hold others to higher standards than I hold myself to.

i’m beginning to see clearer now…