today was hard for me. which was silly on my part. the day should have been perfect. my fiance’ took me out to breakfast. he got me a charm to go on the beautiful bracelet he got me for Christmas. we had a great time just sitting and talking and enjoying each other, and planning. but i had to ruin it with my emotional self and selfishness.

i can look, as a rational adult, into the future and say “36 more days until you’re married, and then you can be with Bryan all the time, no more waiting for your relationship to get off the ground. you can be in Florida, everything will be great.” but no, today all i saw were the negatives. the downsides. i’ve grown so hard and pessimistic in the last year or two. instead of seeing “36 more days until i can be with Bryan forever”, all I see is that i can’t be with him now.  instead of seeing “we’ll spend our lives together living our dreams” i see frustration and worry about bills, how much i’m going to be stressed while he’s in film school, how little time i’m going to have with him. instead of realizing that those little times can be precious if i have the right mindset about it. which i had, up until the last week or so.

i’ve really been battling with Satan in my head, trying to sow seeds of doubt. doubt that i will be a good wife. doubt that bryan will be a good husband and provider. doubt that we’ll be able to make it financially. doubt that i’ll have the strength to put him through school (which i want to do more than anything!). doubt that we’ll be able to afford kids. doubt that if we do have them, are we going to be good enough parents? how will we know what to train them in? all these frustrations, doubts and worries keep clouding my brain, making it hard to think and pray. and when i can pray, my prayers sound so selfish, “Lord, let Bryan remember i need his affection and attention” “Lord, let me be happy” blah blah blah.  i’m only praying for my own comfort. i should be praying “Lord, help me be a good wife for Bryan. Help me to see and recognize his needs and have the wisdom and timing to meet them as you would have me meet them.” “Lord, bless Bryan with peace and your joy.” but noooo…its all about me.

ugh, i hate that. I’m trying, Lord. But i feel like this week, i’m failing miserably. please give me peace and joy and hope. i need hope more than anything. i feel so desperately hopeless, and its my own fault for getting myself into this state. Deliver me, Lord!

i’m trusting in you.

“You know better than I. You know the way. I’ve let go of the need to know why. I’ll take what answers you supply. For you know better than I.”–excerpt of a song from the movie Joseph: King of Dreams