ha. so far, life has NOT been how i thought it would be. in some ways its better, in others, it’s harder. but its good. living in our new apartment in a new town that actually has things to do is wonderful. things have been sorta stressful with REAL bills and REAL issues, rather than having that comfort that i’m living in my parents house and have bills that can be easily taken care of as long as i don’t completely blow my money on stupid stuff.

I’ve not been doing too well listening to the Lord, but i’ve been feeling Him drawing me closer again. I’ve gotten my prayer journal back out, which is a good sign. The times in my life I’ve been close to Him, I’ve used a prayer journal. I can’t seem to focus my prayers very well without writing them out. My brain gets too cluttered and i drift off thinking about other things and the next thing I know, I’m not even praying.

in addition to that, i’m really trying to be a better wife. my husband is struggling with some things, and it’s still so easy to get focused on myself or what i’m receiving or not receiving. what i feel i’m owed. ew. i’ve really been praying about this, because its showing itself to be a much harder thing than i thought: to get over myself. my needs, my wants, my requirements,  my emotional well being, Me ME MEEEEE. never, “what can i do for you today? how can i meet your needs? what does he need from me? where is he emotionally (physically, spiritually, mentally, etc) and how can i meet him in that place and be with him and uplift him?” nope. its all me. life as i knew it has changed, ladies and gentlemen. it’s no longer about me. if i’m gonna be a good wife and mother someday, i’ve got to get out of the center of my own universe, put the Lord there, and make Bryan my earth, and myself the moon. Christ as the center, he’s next and i revolve around them both.

Lord, you know my desires and my heart. i’d love to have a baby right now. RIGHT NOW. i know its not time, yet. please take this from me until its time. its so strong and i dont want this desire to consume my life. i want to enjoy this moment that you’ve given me, and the husband you’ve given me. the apartment, this life. this place i’m in right now. i want to enjoy my child when (s)he comes, but for now, let me find joy and contentment in the here and now…in the life as i know it.