I’ve not been doing too well listening to the Lord, but i’ve been feeling Him drawing me closer again. I’ve gotten my prayer journal back out, which is a good sign. The times in my life I’ve been close to Him, I’ve used a prayer journal. I can’t seem to focus my prayers very well without writing them out. My brain gets too cluttered and i drift off thinking about other things and the next thing I know, I’m not even praying.

in addition to that, i’m really trying to be a better wife. my husband is struggling with some things, and it’s still so easy to get focused on myself or what i’m receiving or not receiving. what i feel i’m owed. ew. i’ve really been praying about this, because its showing itself to be a much harder thing than i thought: to get over myself. my needs, my wants, my requirements,  my emotional well being, Me ME MEEEEE. never, “what can i do for you today? how can i meet your needs? what does he need from me? where is he emotionally (physically, spiritually, mentally, etc) and how can i meet him in that place and be with him and uplift him?” nope. its all me. life as i knew it has changed, ladies and gentlemen. it’s no longer about me. if i’m gonna be a good wife and mother someday, i’ve got to get out of the center of my own universe, put the Lord there, and make Bryan my earth, and myself the moon. Christ as the center, he’s next and i revolve around them both.

Lord, you know my desires and my heart. i’d love to have a baby right now. RIGHT NOW. i know its not time, yet. please take this from me until its time. its so strong and i dont want this desire to consume my life. i want to enjoy this moment that you’ve given me, and the husband you’ve given me. the apartment, this life. this place i’m in right now. i want to enjoy my child when (s)he comes, but for now, let me find joy and contentment in the here and now…in the life as i know it.

i can look, as a rational adult, into the future and say “36 more days until you’re married, and then you can be with Bryan all the time, no more waiting for your relationship to get off the ground. you can be in Florida, everything will be great.” but no, today all i saw were the negatives. the downsides. i’ve grown so hard and pessimistic in the last year or two. instead of seeing “36 more days until i can be with Bryan forever”, all I see is that i can’t be with him now.  instead of seeing “we’ll spend our lives together living our dreams” i see frustration and worry about bills, how much i’m going to be stressed while he’s in film school, how little time i’m going to have with him. instead of realizing that those little times can be precious if i have the right mindset about it. which i had, up until the last week or so.

i’ve really been battling with Satan in my head, trying to sow seeds of doubt. doubt that i will be a good wife. doubt that bryan will be a good husband and provider. doubt that we’ll be able to make it financially. doubt that i’ll have the strength to put him through school (which i want to do more than anything!). doubt that we’ll be able to afford kids. doubt that if we do have them, are we going to be good enough parents? how will we know what to train them in? all these frustrations, doubts and worries keep clouding my brain, making it hard to think and pray. and when i can pray, my prayers sound so selfish, “Lord, let Bryan remember i need his affection and attention” “Lord, let me be happy” blah blah blah.  i’m only praying for my own comfort. i should be praying “Lord, help me be a good wife for Bryan. Help me to see and recognize his needs and have the wisdom and timing to meet them as you would have me meet them.” “Lord, bless Bryan with peace and your joy.” but noooo…its all about me.

ugh, i hate that. I’m trying, Lord. But i feel like this week, i’m failing miserably. please give me peace and joy and hope. i need hope more than anything. i feel so desperately hopeless, and its my own fault for getting myself into this state. Deliver me, Lord!

i’m trusting in you.

“You know better than I. You know the way. I’ve let go of the need to know why. I’ll take what answers you supply. For you know better than I.”–excerpt of a song from the movie Joseph: King of Dreams

I was talking to my fiance (yes he’s finally my fiance now) about how I don’t talk enough, and that when I do talk, I haven’t usually thought it through well enough to be understood. So I decided i’m going to start writing out my thoughts a little more. I might not blog everyday, but then again I might. Just to get the creative brain juices flowing. I need to be praying more also. I keep so much bottled inside that when it finally comes out, it’s more like an erupting volcano than a young woman expressing her views, opinions, thoughts, hurts, or feelings on any given matter.

i’m currently dealing with a great burden of bitterness. bitterness sucks…lemme tell you. the Bible says that the root of bitterness will strangle your heart. and I’m now thinking “no kidding! no wonder i’ve felt so repressed, depressed, tired, irritable. there’s no heart there that holds any compassion, love or humility anymore.” it’s become all about me. All about how people have hurt me. How I cant trust anyone really. how i can’t be myself. how people don’t accept me for who I really am. but who am I really? a bitter woman. ew. Lord God…help me. Give me a heart of flesh instead of stone. turn the waters that flow from me to a sweet spring instead of a bitter river. let me seek to put others first instead of myself. when stabbed in the back, put down, rejected…remind me of how all those things happened to you, and you responded with “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”. Rather than with my response of, “how dare you treat me that way!!? I’ll have nothing more to do with you until you repent”. forgive me for my arrogance and mistrust. not only of others, but of you.

i want nothing more to do with this disgusting heart of stone. its repulsive. i know you hate it even more than I do. give me strength to see people through your eyes instead of my own. what right do i have to hold others to higher standards than I hold myself to.

i’m beginning to see clearer now…

I’m moving to North Carolina in ten days. I’m moving into our old house up there, and my parents are being gracious enough not to charge me rent, just making me pay for whatever utilities I use. So I have to take into account gas, insurance (both of those things I already pay for by myself) for my car, groceries, health insurance, utilities, cell phone, and internet (if I ever get that). Plus I’m going to have to be putting a little bit of money away every month trying to save up so Bryan and I can get married, plus, unlike Florida, the cost of living goes up in the winter in NC. Why? Because of propane. If you want to be warm, you gotta have heat and propane isn’t used too much in the summer time up there, so it hardly ever has to get filled up. But it costs about $300 to fill it. So that’ll be a huge gut punch every time I have to do that. So thankfully, my Dad is a very conservative person, and over the span of my life he has taught me little things like shutting off lights when you leave the room. Turn the AC off when you leave the house. If you can, keep the air off and just use a fan. So yeah, I feel prepared. As prepared as a green 20 year old can feel about living completely on her own, I guess. But I’m excited about it. Especially since I know it’s one huge step closer to Bryan and I being a married couple. yay!

Ok, well be praying for me please as I make this step in mine, and Bryan’s life.

Keep the Son in your eyes…like I’m trying to do myself

The fear of being physically alone was certainly a fear in my life though, but one that I didn’t tell too many people about. For someone who liked being by herself, it’d be kind of silly to admit that I only liked being alone, when I knew other people were close by, people I knew. But then came the news that my family was going on vacation to our old house in North Carolina, but I couldn’t go because I had already promised to work a few days for a fellow coworker. I was really excited at first. I mean, come on, for a twenty year old girl who had never spent more than 24 hours away from ANYONE, this was a great opportunity to have a shot at freedom. Complete freedom. Not being alone in a dorm room with hundreds of people nearby and rules galore, but freedom as in being in a house by myself and being entirely responsible for my own safety and wellbeing. Needless to say, the fear was there, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be afraid at first. As the weeks leading up to my family leaving wore on, the fear came creeping in. To my boyfriend suggesting I sleep with a knife by my bed, and then realizing that the friends that I’d invited to stay couldn’t come, then realizing that even my boyfriend and his family (who also live in NC) were going to be out of town also and harder to reach than normal…then, the night before my family left came. I was balling uncontrollably. I partially blamed it on lots of new things going on in my life. I had just gotten a new job and finished my training that day, which proved semi overwhelming, information wise. Plus knowing that all my family members in the surrounding area were going to be gone (cept my aunt and uncle, but I knew I didn’t want to spend too much time with them, as much as I love them, I’d rather be by myself I think), made me anxious. My stomach was churning and my tear ducts were leaking uncontrollably. Deep down I knew that nothing would happen and everything would be fine and I’d probably end up enjoying myself, but at that moment, my nerves were just on edge and my emotions were too frayed to be able to grasp hold of those logical thoughts and cling to them. I ended up asking my dad to leave me a gun. So he showed me how to handle the safety on one of his rifles and left me a box full of shells, to which I proceeded to put both by my bed in case of an emergency. The morning they left, I went back to bed nearly shivering with fear. It took me nearly twenty minutes to fall asleep again and when I woke up I was so unhappy. I didn’t want to be by myself. I wanted them here. But I finally decided not to let this stop me from having an enjoyable week, since I had finally managed to get two of my friends from NC to get a plane ticket down on Wednesday (today, my family left Saturday morning). I knew I could make it ’til then and I was going to do everything in my power to be positive and try and have fun.

I kept myself busy cleaning during the day, and with a little bit of entertaining myself like watching tv, movies, eating pizza, stuff like that. But at night, I was afraid I would have trouble sleeping due to a past experience I’d had when my parents were out of town and I was left with my two younger siblings in the house. I’d been terrified and lost about an hour’s sleep because once awakened in fear, I had a really hard time going back to sleep. So I took a long, hot bath, drank some tea with chamomile and lavender to help me sleep, wrote in my journal to get my brain cleared of all thoughts, and then prayed before I actually shut the lights off to get in touch with my Lord before I finally went to sleep so I could ask for peace.  Needless to say, it worked! I slept. And I slept pretty good despite the fear I’d had before I went to sleep. The next night, the same thing, except the fear was less. Until last night where I wasn’t afraid at all.

So, basically, long story short, I’m not afraid of being alone anymore. I’ve gotten over my fears Praise the Lord!

I was halfway through my sophomore year in college when I felt God telling me to go home for the spring semester. Without knowing exactly why, I did. Soon after I came home, I realized why God wanted me there, to be with Papa with what could be his last few months, and to minister to Nana since she was lonely during Papa’s extended illness. I would go up there by myself at least once a week and just hang out with them, more than that if my family all went up together. But it was nice to have that time because then when he took a turn for the worst, he was still conscious enough to talk some, and to mostly listen to everything I needed to tell him before he died.

I have no regrets. The only reason his death hurt my faith is because I had believed that God was going to work a miracle. I mean, I wasn’t so naive in my faith as to believe that God always heals those people who are sick here on earth. I knew that sometimes God waited to heal them until they got to heaven. I KNEW that. But somewhere deep inside, I still wanted him healed here. I wanted him to meet Bryan. I wanted him to live a full life again. I wanted him to be at my wedding. To be there to see his great grandchildren be born and grow up. But now I’m never going to have those things, and that’s why it hurt. I kept hearing all these stories about people getting healed of cancer, right and left. People who’d been Christians their whole lives and other people who’d known God for only a few days and lived lives much worse than my Papa had. So I kept thinking, “Why not him?”

I love my Papa dearly still. And it’s only been two weeks since his death, and yes, it’s getting easier. I did break down the other day when Bryan was here visiting, but that was the first time I’d cried since his funeral last Monday. I HAVE let it go though. Realizing that God is God and He has a reason for everything. That my Papa is healed and would not want to come back to earth now, even if we begged him. He’s happy. That gives me hope. My love of God is still strong, and now I just can’t wait to get to heaven myself. Hopefully I can still get married, and have children, and love Bryan for the rest of my life, in addition to doing all the other things I want to do, but meanwhile, I’ve got the hope that I’ll see Papa again, and live in the light of my Beloved Savior, who in His great mercy, saved my Papa, saved my parents, and saved me. It’ll be a great reunion. Two weeks, and counting…

One of the “points” i wanna make here though, is that i’ve always struggled comparing myself to two particular people in my life, body wise anyhow…my friend jessica, who is the one who accused me of being overweight when i was ten, and my cousin ashley. it used to be that everytime i saw her (ash) i would instantly compare my body to hers. she’s a beautiful tiny ballerina who is almost my height, but much much slimmer, she weighs like 120 without an ounce of fat on her anywhere. and i used to spend hours in the mirror before i would go see her, like fixing myself and my clothes to look as good as her and then when i’d see her, i’d realize i’m nowhere near her in looks. and i would come home despondent and discouraged. but now, i see her, and although i still wish my body looked CLOSER to that than it does, i still am happy looking the way i do.   i wasnt appreciating who God made me instead, i coveted hers and jess’ bodies. now, i’m proud of who i am, what i look like, because i know i’m loved exactly the way i am.  so yeah. thats what i have to say

Even as seemingly funny/rude as this sounds coming from God, I find it oddly comforting. Why? Because even in my stupidity of taking everything in my life upon myself to deal with, God has still “given orders to the morning, and shown the dawn its place…” (vs12). He’s got everything in control, and no matter how huge I feel my problems are, He’s bigger. He measured the earth with His hands for crying out loud. The fact that I don’t know what my future holds, is really no big deal in comparison. 

So my advice, to you and to me, stop worrying. It’s pointless. Let God be God. Delight and submit and be quiet. Haha.  and i mean that as nicely as possible.  

Like most people, I’m sure, I tend to get really caught up in myself. How I feel, what I want, what I’m doing, how all of this will affect me. And it’s disgusting. I know. I know God hates it. I always get worried about stuff that’s out of my control, instead of trusting God. But it’s not simply about being woried that’s the problem, but worry reflects something deeper. Worry reflects pride. God has told me already that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that all of my needs are met, and that He has a plan for me. So by me worrying, it’s saying that I’m too much for God to handle. That He couldn’t possibly take care of me, because I’m too much for Him. Which is basically a slap in God’s face. Not a good thing by the way.

So my favorite verse, which God showed me about 4 years ago, is Psalm 37:3-7, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

I love this verse because it always comes to me when I need to make a decision about something. Especially a big one. My family is still unsure if we’ll be moving or not, and I know that I want to get married eventually, so my brain gets all stuffed up with “What about me?!” that I can’t even think straight. So I take this verse, and I say, “It’s not about me. God is handling it. Delight yourself in Him.” Which basically means to find your identity in Him, and love Him with your whole heart, leaving nothing out. “Commit your ways to Him, Lindsay, and He will never let you down.” If I give all of me to Him, my future, my plans, my dreams, my family, friends, relationships, everything…He is big enough to take care of it better than I ever could. If I start focusing more on all of that stuff, I do exactly what Jesus said not to do in Matthew 6:19-21, storing up my treasures on earth. Even relationships could be considered earthly treasures. If you put more stock in you, your stuff, and those you love, than in God, you will be one unhappy human being. So basically, my advice….learn from my selfishness and mistakes. Give God your all, every day, every moment, and He will never let you down.

i was pretty excited tho, because i talked to my AWESOME friend nikki for two hours. it was so good to hear her voice again. i cant wait to see her. it hurts me to hear her too tho, because i know that she is so lonely. and it makes me question if i made the right choice in coming home. if i hadnt, i would be rooming with her and she wouldn’t be lonely. but then thats me not living for God, thats me living for man..er woman. i feel like its good for her to be alone during this time, because God’s really been weeding alot out of her, what i cant say, because its not my story to tell. but yeah. she’s doing good. we are definitely what you would call unlikely friends. besides believing in God, we dont really agree on much. i’m a republican, she’s a democrat. she’s REALLY liberal, and i’m REALLY conservative. i’m like unexperienced with things of this world, and she is experienced. i’m tall and brunette with light eyes, she’s short and blonde with brown eyes. we both have boyfriends…that look nothing alike. as a matter of fact, i’m taller than her bf by an inch. haha.

but she has taught me one TREMENDOUS lesson. to love unconditionally. her and my friend tiffany. even though i dont always agree with them, and they dont agree with me, we still love each other. we dont let stuff get in the way of our relationship. we forgive easily and love much. its not perfect by any means, we’ve had our spats. but we dont let that change our love for one another. she’s just awesome. and she’s shown me so much of God’s love, and helped me learn how to love others the same way. in my opinion she’s easy to love, other people…eh not so much. but i’m working on that. God’s been dealing with me big time about my judgmental nature. i’m working on REgaining my compassionate nature. i used to be alot better about that sorta thing than i am now. but its never too late to “come back to the light”.

this really isnt much of a blog today…but thats really all i had to say. i’m exhausted from no sleep, the hannah montana movie/concert and the babysitting and work. haha. so thats it. thats my weekend and my monday. may God bless you and keep you, and may He give you His peace.